New Young Presidential Candidate Enters the Race for the White House; Promises Change

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Turmoil emerges again in the race for the White House as a new presidential candidate emerges. John Doe, the current front runner of the race, advertises his young age and promises to bring the country into the modern age. “With all of the scrutiny over the ages of presidential candidates, it really is nice to have someone young for a change,” says an anonymous voter who has promised Doe their vote. Recent polls show that Doe is leading the race with a whopping 75% of voters saying that he is their top candidate. Members of his team recently stated in their address to the people that “our country needs a leader who can connect with the younger generation!” 

In addition to the excitement over his entrance as a candidate, the country is preparing to celebrate Doe’s first birthday this Friday. His mother refused to comment on Doe’s behalf, saying that her son was napping and would be cranky when woken up. The noise allegedly woke Doe, with his mother rushing off to tend to him. “Wah…wah…WAHHHHHHHHHH!!” comments Doe, his wise words assuring the people that their country is in good hands. 

The Doe family guarantees their support for John, acting as both the head of his campaign staff and chief executive officers of diaper changing. Doe is set to debate the issues with the Democratic and Republican candidates next week, his many supporters and family members bolstering him at every opportunity. “You know, it really is crazy that little Johnny is going places,” says Jane Doe, John Doe’s older sister in between sniffles. “Like, I’m already in preschool and am only the governor of three states, but Johnny is heading into office! How time flies…” Jane refrained from any further comment, as a butterfly passed by and she left to chase it. 

Doe’s advertising team is hurriedly creating pins, banners, bumper stickers, and any other merchandise that could be used in the race. The top notch squad of artists and designers have been specially recruited from the nation’s finest preschools. Juan Perez, one of the members, shows us what he’s been working on with a smile on his face. “It's a flower! And there’s a sun, and there’s some grass, and there’s a butterfly, and there’s the sky,” Perez says, describing the piece. It has already been sent off to the factory to be turned into bumper stickers. Doe himself supervises the work, even taking a picture with the team, which has recently unionized. 

As voting day grows closer, Doe establishes his policies and makes appearances across all fields, including the elementary school cleanup team and the Preschoolers for Progress daycare. “To have a candidate who really cares about the people for once, it's really special, you know? I’m just so glad it happened in my lifetime,” reports John Smith, a self-described ‘average joe’. Polls show that out of all babies, John Doe is by far the most prolific, with the last minor to run for President being aged at 2 years.