How to Avoid (or Seek Out) Vampires

It may not be Halloween, but vampires are all around us. A vampire is sulking in the shadows in the alley behind your school. A vampire is hiding behind the bushes in your backyard. A vampire is watching you, blending in with common people at the mall as you buy yet another $7 overpriced iced latte. Incidentally, a vampire is also writing this article.  

Universal's Dracula.

Don’t believe me? It is a known fact that vampires originated in the region of Transylvania, Romania. It’s the place that Bram Stoker based his hit nonfiction book Dracula on. And, as the daughter of two Romanian (i.e. vampire) parents, I am also Romanian (and a vampire). But why help ordinary people, you ask? I’m simply a benevolent do-gooder wishing the best for devoted readers of the Roar Newspaper. Frequent readers of the Roar are extraordinary and deserve to be in possession of this extremely valuable knowledge. So, without further ado, allow me to bestow upon you these precious pearls of information.

Avoiding vampires

Let’s begin with the basic, more commonly known methods of deterring vampires:

1. Garlic

Garlic is a very useful tool in defense against vampires. Its smell is even more putrid to the keen nose of the vampire which is characterized by a prominent olfactory epithelium (the part of the nose responsible for smelling). Keep garlic with you in your pockets, hang it on your window, or rub it in chimneys and keyholes. If these methods don’t tickle your taste buds, here’s another option: keep an immunity shot that includes garlic as an ingredient with you at all times. When you catch sight of a vampire, quickly down the immunity shot. Then, when the vampire approaches, burp in their face. That garlicky essence within your burp will not be pleasant for the vampire’s nostrils. But be advised: not all vampires are deterred by garlic. As a vampire, I am a garlic bread fanatic. It is simply too delicious not to eat. After all, that which does not kill you makes you stronger.

2. Religious Items

It is well-known that religious items are feared by vampires. The crucifix is a prime example. You may wave this in the vampire’s face and they are guaranteed to run away in terror. A crucifix may be kept in the pockets of clothing or worn around the neck. If you happen to have a Bible on hand, that works too. You can wave it around or simply smack vampires in the face. Big books can break noses if you try hard enough. 

3. Mirrors

Mirrors are practical vampire defense mechanisms too. If you believe your friend to be a vampire in disguise, ask them if they want to take a mirror selfie. Often, vampires will shy away or mumble a disheartened “no” because they cannot see their reflection in a mirror since they do not have a soul. Truly tragic, I know.

4. Silver

Forks, knives, even spoons. Like the crucifix, you may wave around these silver items in front of a vampire to protect yourself. Even a butter knife will look menacing to a vampire if it’s made of silver. 

Now that you know the basic methods of defending yourself against vampires, here are some bonus insider tips:

1. Steer clear of people with big sunglasses

My mother (Romanian/vampire) enjoys wearing large, black, buglike sunglasses that cover a third of her face. She wears them every day, even if it’s not sunny out. Many vampires partake in this practice. It is a common response to a vampire’s distaste for the sun, as they are very sensitive to light. Take heed, dear reader, and avoid creatures clad in large sunglasses.

2. Do not befriend people with unusually large canine teeth

I am referring to the pointed teeth located next to your front teeth. These teeth are, in fact, the fangs of a vampire. Pointy = deadly. If a person tells you their dentist had to file down their canine teeth because they were too pointy, run. 

3. Do not purchase homes in high altitudes

Residents of hills and mountains are more likely to be vampires as these landscapes provide seclusion. The shadows in the mountains also provide shelter from the sun’s harsh light. Some vampires enjoy the bustling city life, however, and instead opt for tall apartment buildings as it gives them a sense of superiority over others. If you’ve been eyeing that cute cottage on Mount Everest or that apartment in a skyscraper in New York City, think twice about who your neighbors may be.

These factors should be sufficient in protecting you from vampire encounters.

Seeking out vampires

So, you’re a modern day Jonathan Harker. You wish to encounter the man, the myth, the legend himself: Dracula (Or at least one of his vampire descendants). Or perhaps, you believe yourself to be Bella Swan and fantasize about meeting your very own Edward Cullen. If the skin of a killer fits, I guess. Lucky for you, seeking out vampires is much easier than you think. 

The quickest way to attract a vampire is to simply yell, “I’M BLEEDING!” Ladies, this is sure to get an Edward Cullen-esque vampire man running straight your way at the mention of blood. You’ll be irresistible. 

If you’re really intent on becoming a vampire, all you must do is travel to the motherland, Romania! Visit the Bran Castle, otherwise known as Dracula’s infamous castle. This is where all the vampires convene. The Bran Castle is a must-see every time I travel back to Romania with my family. I visit with my parents and grandparents to see my good old great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather Dracula and pay our respects. So come visit for a warm welcome with open arms (and fangs)!

Bran Castle, Romania. Photo via Dreamstime.

*** Please note: these tips are only applicable for real vampires. You will not be able to find Edward Cullen or Damon Salvatore with this information. My apologies.