D.U.N.G.

We dedicate this article to Mme. Renouard, our wonderful AP Comparative Government and Politics teacher and the one who assigned us to create our own country in the first place. Also, thank you Jan Rosciszewski, who also helped come up with D.U.N.G. and may be a true believer in its existence. Disclaimer: this is not a page out of a textbook, though it may appear to be.

D.U.N.G. was born in the greatest earthquake that California has ever experienced. The earthquake tore the state away from the rest of the country and formed an abysmal chasm in the county of Humboldt, specifically its college, from which a gigantic swarm of dung beetles emerged. In the crowd of people running in panic, one man remained calm. He was the prophet. The prophet stood before the chasm, mason jar in hand, and saw, in the swarm of dung beetles, the reason for his existence: a very special dung beetle, now known as Electus (Latin for “chosen one”). He captured Electus mid-flight in the jar and shut it tightly. Of course, because of the lack of oxygen, the Dung Beetle quickly ceased moving. 

The prophet’s wife was perplexed. “Uh. Why do you have a dead dung beetle in a jar?” She didn’t know it, but in that instant, she committed the original sin: admitting that the Dung Beetle is dead. So, he killed her. And thus began D.U.N.G: the Democratic Union of Nicomachean Gentlemen. 

Photo credit: Ben Patrick Holden

Governmental Structure & Legitimacy

Since its inception, D.U.N.G.’s governmental system has consisted of an oligarchy in which twelve philosopher kings rule. They are not elected representatives, but rather the country’s wisest experts in D.U.N.G. thought, having passed grueling exams in order to sit as philosopher kings. The only authority above the philosopher kings is, naturally, Electus itself, who sits in its clear glass jar upon a cushioned throne at the center of the circular clay dome which rests on the remains of Humboldt College and serves as D.U.N.G. 's official government office. Though its subjects are referred to as “kings,” they veritably only represent heads of government, are unknown to the public, and own no property whatsoever. Electus, alone, is the head of state–the permanent, revered leader of D.U.N.G. 

D.U.N.G. derives its legitimacy primarily from its constitutional document and dung-beetle religion. It is a capital offense to declare or even suggest that Electus is, in fact, not alive. In fact, it is the only law mentioned in D.U.N.G. 's constitution, the Decree of the Union under Nonnegotiable Grammar. However, no one has ever read D.U.N.G. as it is locked away in a room underneath the capitol building, guarded by a swarm of dung beetles. Nevertheless, its one law is the single most important principle in the country: the very mention of death as a concept is strictly forbidden. Consequently, death is completely unknown to the citizens of D.U.N.G. They believe that when someone expires, they are simply reclaimed by the Dung Beetle. Thus, there is no way for them to voice concern about Electus’s vitality because there are no words nor collectively held notions to even describe it. Those who do by chance, mainly contrarian and havoc-wreaking philosopher kings, are composted. Publicly. Reclaimed by the Dung Beetle.

Another way that D.U.N.G. maintains its legitimacy is through its widespread population control. The chief way that the state subdues the population is by planting psychedelic plants everywhere– by sidewalks, in every park, and even in citizens’ own yards (front and back). They are completely free, public goods and are enjoyed by every citizen regardless of age or job title. With unlimited access to these goods, everyone is constantly whimsy, and, most importantly, content with their government. 

Economy 

D.U.N.G. 's economy can be characterized as communist agrarian. The government owns all property, meaning it is under the jurisdiction of Electus, and allows each family approximately five square dung meters* of farming ground to plant subsistence crops on. Further, every citizen over the age of 12 is required to work for the government, either as a member of the bureaucracy or as a soldier. Citizens can only earn money directly from the government– the national currency being D.U.N.G, the Decentralized Unit of Non-negotiative Gold. Capitalism, even bartering for goods, is strictly forbidden and punishable by life imprisonment. 

The government makes revenue from the collection of taxes, specifically cleanliness taxes as the principle of being clean is significant in D.U.N.G thought. D.U.N.G has two methods of taxation: fining households that do not meet the minimum of fifteen dungliters* of compost a month and citizens who make public messes. Even a simple dropped piece of fruit can be heavily fined. 

Bureaucracy

The government of D.U.N.G. has several governmental agencies: D.U.N.G., D.U.N.G.,  D.U.N.G.,  and D.U.N.G. 

1. Disciplinary Unit of Noble Guards and the Defensive Ultra Nationalist Gendarmerie 

D.U.N.G. is the military while D.U.N.G. is the police force. The military is charged primarily with protecting national security, notably guarding the capital building and fighting off  rebels in the South. On the other hand, the police force monitors the civilian population, speeds up the process of reclamation for offenders of Electus’s viability, and administers D.U.N.G. 's numerous jails, where capitalist acts are punished. 

2. Disinfection of Unusual and Nefarious Garbage

D.U.N.G., the Disinfection of Unusual and Nefarious Garbage, is the body responsible for collecting all of the government’s revenue and maintaining a state of complete cleanliness in D.U.N.G. As previously mentioned, D.U.N.G. is meticulously clean (well, most of it… but more on that later) and thus is the bureaucratic agency that hires the most workers. It also serves as a secondary police force as it is charged with fining those who commit the crime of being dirty.

3. Dining Unit of National Gastronomy 

Many years ago, Electus declared that veganism would be the national diet. It has easily remained this way ever since, especially because citizens of D.U.N.G. are already very in tune with nature. Respect for animals is ingrained in them early on as they are, at a young age, exposed to the forest. The Dining Unit of National Gastronomy, however, does not only enforce the vegan rule. It implemented another culinary norm: deconstructionism. Every meal must be deconstructed before being eaten. This practice requires breaking down the food to its individual components. For instance, a sandwich might be presented as a slice of bread alongside tomato puré, avocado foam, and pesto on the side.

Educational System

The Department of Unified National Guidance oversees the country’s education. D.U.N.G. primary school is simple: students are required to partake in a minimum of 15 loose seminars to complete their education. At the age of 8, children are left meandering in the forest to discover the seminar which resonates with them the most. They may meander for a long time in between seminars, perhaps catching a glimpse of a seminar that does not yet feel right, or maybe one that they believe they should pursue next year. The meandering is a part of the educational process. What happens during these loose seminars varies extensively. One child may complete 6 seminars on ceramics and pottery, 5 on mindfulness, 2 on agrarian education, and 2 on knitting. Another may have 10 seminars on ethics, 4 on custodial studies, and 1 on plankton. There is thus no national education; children learn different subjects based on what they stumble upon, and these subjects often do not provide the necessary foundation for them to contribute meaningfully to society. This is because the philosopher kings value education for the pursuit of wisdom rather than for its usefulness. Yet, the Department of Unified National Guidance has one overarching goal: to render the youth loyal to the state and Electus. 

The only reason somebody would pursue higher education is to become either a teacher or a philosopher king, a role which only men can achieve. This system is administered by the Development of Universally Normalized Grading. While education remains primarily composed of seminars, they are more rigid than loose. Those seeking to become a philosopher king face the most challenging experience. Before taking the oral exam, they spend a decade in which they not only rigorously study and apply philosophy, but they also learn to adapt to the philosopher king lifestyle: they must be ready to get rid of everything. They cannot have any emotional attachments (having a spouse, children, friends, or being in contact with family is strictly forbidden), and must live in utter secrecy with no material possessions whatsoever. 

Religion 

D.U.N.G. thought rules over the lives of D.U.N.G. citizens. Electus is not only at the head of D.U.N.G. but is also seen as a godlike being, responsible for the creation of the utopia that is D.U.N.G. One of the cornerstones of D.U.N.G. spirituality is the once-in-a-lifetime pilgrimage which every citizen must undertake. At the legal age of adulthood (12), citizens travel to the ruins of the University of Humboldt where the capitol building is located and which is where the Dung Beetle resides in its jar. Before the pilgrimage, you can’t see beetles. After the pilgrimage, you start seeing them everywhere. To citizens, this is only further proof of the wonders of Electus. 

Civil Society 

Civil society on D.U.N.G.’s mainland is weak as there is no dissent. However, in the southernmost region of D.U.N.G., where Baja California used to be, there is a league of dissenting women waging civil war against the government of D.U.N.G. This group calls themselves the Great Non-conformist Union of Dissidents, or simply G.N.U.D., and fights against D.U.N.G. 's totalitarian and misogynistic regime. They refuse to consume the psychedelics planted everywhere and instead destroy them, and they endeavor to disillusion the brainwashed population, brazenly proclaiming Electus’s death. G.N.U.D. poses a threat to regime stability not only because they weaken the state’s population control but also because they fight powerfully and with revolutionary spirit against D.U.N.G. 's soldiers, who are consistently inebriated. 

Acronym index 

Military: Disciplinary Unit of Noble Guards

Police: Defensive Ultra Nationalist Gendarmerie

Bureaucratic Cleaning Agency : Disinfection of Unusual and Nefarious Garbage

Currency: Decentralized Unit of Non-negotiative Gold

School: Department of Unified National Guidance

Higher education: Development of Universally Normalized Grading

Food Bureau: Dining Unit of National Gastronomy 

Revolutionary group: Great Non-Conformist Union of Dissidents

Constitution: Decree of the Union under Nonnegotiable Grammar

*1 dungmeter = 1.7 meters

**1 dungliter = 1.7 liters